By Nasty Noa
A guide on how to become the most feared chad in Calradia. Here you will learn the proper way to become the most brain-dead, psychopathic, ripped, great hammer-toting individual that everyone fears.
What is a chad?
Imagine the following:
A man upon a horse rests amidst a field of bodies, crumpled beneath his steed’s hooves, blood seeping out of all of the mangled corpses. The man is tall, at least taller than the average medieval, dirt-filled peasant. He is clad in the heaviest, most durable armor in all the land, not giving a ♥♥♥♥ that all the armor doesn’t match up, and that he looks like a bit of a ♥♥♥♥♥. The man is covered in blood, some his, most his enemy’s. He wields a great hammer, covered in blood and skull-fragments in one hand, a heavy lance with entrails laid upon it in the other. In the distance his men cheer, not only because they had won yet again against an army twice their size, but because they had only lost a handful of brothers-in-arms. The man atop his fine, gleaming white steed captures any of the few surviving foes and their lord, locking them away in his deepest dungeon.
This man, this towering beast, could be you, and I am going to tell you how. First, we must go over the steps.
The Birth of the Chad
The first step is, of course, to choose an appropriate name. No one really cares about your backstory, and for points, just slam them all into strength, iron-skin, and two-handers. For a name, go with something worthy of the finest caveman with down-syndrome. Get as creative as you want, and make sure the name is as autistic as possible. The next step is to accumulate as much brain-damage as possible. My preferred method is to slam my head into a brick wall until I can’t feel anything anymore, but it’s up to personal preference. This also means you will refrain from putting any skill points into the intelligence tree (your chad, of course, is supposed to be a well-rounded beefcake, and intelligence can come later when required. But the best start is to be all brawn, no brain). It is also important you start at the Kingdom of Nords since every Norseman has great chad potential. From here you have all you need set up. Dunk those ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ at the beginning of the game who try to jump you, talk to that merchant loser, completely ignore his quest and then go off to achieve chadhood.
Journey to Chadhood
After ignoring the merchant of Sargoth and calling him a little sissy, embark on a journey to the great unknown that is Calradia and recruit all aspiring chads from the local villages that you can. With a sizable army of peasants amassed, you should then go to attack as many bandits as possible for that sweet, sweet loot they carry, upgrading from the measly weapons and armor you start with. Try to get some of those little peasant boys and girls upgraded to become stronger chad-hatchlings.
Now comes the important part: Suck off King Ragnar until you become a Jarl under him. There are, of course, multiple ways to do this, but as long as the end goal is the same, you’re all good. My personal favorite way to appease Daddy Ragnar is to build up a nice ragged army, get some money, get some weapons, and attack villages of kingdoms that the God-King Ragnar is at war with. Steal all of the big, expensive shiny things the villages have and sell them at Sargoth or other big cities in the Kingdom of Nords. When you have enough money, XP, soldiers, loot, and god-like energy, start messing up some low-tier lords in enemy armies. Eventually Rag-Daddy will recognize your prowess and war and ask you to become a vassal under him, and you should, of course say yes.
Another way to do this is simpler but not as fun. Just find Ragnar (he’ll usually be chilling in Sargoth), talk to him, call him daddy, and ask him for quests to appease him. Do a couple of quests for him and then ask to serve under him.
Achieving Chadhood: The Final Step
Now comes the time for you to unlock your true potential as a Class-A ass-wrangler and sex-master. First you should acquire weapons and armor worthy of only gods, such as the great hammer, which can one-hit KO just about any poor schmuck you face, the lance, for raping anyone on horseback, and then whatever else you want. I really only use the hammer and lance since they are such powerhouse weapons. For armor, just get the beefiest stuff you can. It doesn’t matter how much it is since you can just make fat stacks of cash from village pillaging. I personally like using the winged greathelm, since it makes you look like a very angry steel chicken, and a nice set of plate-mail since you become god-tier from it. You should also get the fastest horse you can, such as a courser, so that lance turns you into a galloping kill-machine. At this stage, you are just about already a chad. Now you have to adopt the chad mindset. This consists of the following:
See someone? If no, then search for someone. If yes, see if they are an ally, an enemy, or neutral. If they are neutral or an enemy, turn them into a little grease-stain and piss on their corpses. Using this method, you should please Ragnar and also be at war with every faction possible. When you do go at war with a faction, make sure to wipe them of the face of the planet by attacking all of their castles and cities you can manage until they are decimated. Keep up this chad mindset by pleasing your great King and killing everyone who doesn’t serve them and you are sure to become a feared chad throughout the kingdom.